Two Worlds, One Family

As we are enduring a frustrating continuance of several weeks in the trial that will ultimately determine our foster son’s (Mint) future, this foster dad has ample time to consider his thoughts on the matter. Recently, Mint and I re-watched Disney’s Tarzan. I sang along to every jingle, laughed with every silly scene and fought the urge to lose my cool in the moments the themes of the movie pulled on my heartstrings. However, this time some of the themes I noticed in greater detail, namely that of “two worlds, one family.” Watching Mint watch the cartoon stirred up all manner of inspiration, as I listened to the opening song.

Put your faith in what you most believe in

Two worlds, one family

Trust your heart, let fate decide

To guide these lives we see

Most of Phil Collins’ work drives me straight to tears, but this time I was filled with such gratitude for the family within my home. I strangely relate with Tarzan’s father when he rescues his wife and son from the burning, sinking ship to dive over the side and safely join them in the rowboat. Why? I don’t know, God be praised I only relate out of metaphor. Sometimes, foster care can feel like that burning, sinking ship in the middle of the ocean at night, but in the end, no matter what, we work toward being safe in the boat together again. As these stimulating thoughts fill my head, I am also painfully aware of Mint’s circumstance.

It's saddening to observe Mint’s appraisal of his own father. If Mint speaks of him, it’s not with words of attachment or affection, but factual descriptions of what he remembers of his turbulent past. I wince upon realizing that the concept of a father is alien to this child. Although his father is convinced they have a close bond and wants the world to know how devoted he is, Mint doesn’t reciprocate such fondness and loyalty.

Semen does not make a man a father. Whatever their history was like together, it’s been slow for Mint to understand and accept what a father is and does. When he was placed with us he was instantly made a son, and I, a father. So, as we wait for his trial to resume, we do our best to love him as our own, while he is caught between two worlds: his biological mother who he sees weekly, and his foster family who he lives with.

Mint’s greatest conflict in discovering his identity, purpose and destiny is being caught between these two worlds. To be able to bond with one family would make room for his growth and this trial will determine which family that will be. I’ve realized that all of my favorite movies share the same underlying theme: that one can prosper and thrive outside his original comfort and can find his true destiny in a different culture. To better state it, my favorite movies are Dances With Wolves, The Last Samurai, The Little Mermaid, Tarzan, Wall-E and Avatar. It didn’t dawn on me until now that they all involve someone who is destined to flourish in a world other than the one they came from. It’s the simplest illustration of adoption. I enjoy these stories because they do not glorify the loss of the character’s origins when he/she is adopted into a new community, but rather these stories explore how that character is made grateful for his/her origins and finds a way to embrace the values received from them. This is the takeaway for me: to better become my true self I cannot forget my origins, I must seek a way to unify my past with my future in my new habitat so I can then know my full story. I am referring to my own adoption in Christ, where I was once a nobody in my original carnal self, but now am a citizen of an eternal Kingdom. The same experience of adoption also potentially lies before Mint. Having witnessed his own adoption by God as I watched him accept Jesus on his own accord one night, I pray I might also witness his adoption here on earth, too.

It is written that “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purposes,” (Rom 8:28) so even an origin we may not fully appreciate or outright reject, must not be forgotten. God has made it possible for even the worst beginning to bring about good for those who love Him. Take Joseph for example, sold into slavery just to end up with the authority to save a nation from starvation. I appreciate that these films are about characters who accept their origins, and are thereby made complete when they embrace their new beginning. Some of us encounter very different “new beginnings” when compared to our origins, such as in our experience(s) with a spouse, in-laws, extended family, blended family, etc. It is common for those in such instances to prefer to remain close kin to their origins than bond with their new community of family. However, others feel strangely more familiar and natural around the new circle of people, feeling accepted like they’ve never been before despite how different they may be. Whatever the reality, it is to their best health to pick one of the two worlds encountered. Trying to live by adhering to two worlds will only be an experience of survival and disappointment, always seeking approval. But, if Mint can summon the courage to decide, he has the opportunity to discover his true identity, become master of himself, expand his potential and fulfill his destiny. I believe this valley of decision exists for every person, however foster care is a most unnatural thing. These children are forced to live in two worlds and their development is regularly frustrated and delayed because of it.

Here is where the struggle enters, here is where the “trenches” are dug. We regularly see behaviors and memories of trauma that are triggered by various situations. The intensity of such reactions varies, but it’s certainly a phase that can undermine his development and renders him almost completely unteachable and unapologetic. His greatest strengths become his greatest weaknesses because he falls between worlds. He can’t and doesn’t function well when he’s split between two homes. No one can serve two masters. Jesus made an example of the power of deciding on one world when He picked us, as it is written, “just as He chose us in Himself, before the foundation of the world,” (Eph 1:4). Collins had it right to say, “two worlds, one family.”

I believe Collins may have defined ‘world’ as the setting and circumstance of our lives, but family is where we find identity and fulfillment. Once we find our identity and fulfillment, breakthrough is possible and potentially, permanent. This was done in heaven first when Jesus surrendered everything for the family he passionately loved: us all. Then, it was done on earth by setting the example in His own life. When His own blood rejected Him, He embraced a new family with those that would believe in Him. Were He forced to settle for both worlds a covenant would not have been possible, for there’d be no sacrifice, no exchange of something of value. Yet, He embraced a new encounter, a new covenant with those who would believe in Him and now there is indeed “one family” in Himself, through adoption.

I’m fascinated by stories of adoption, true or fictional. Kevin Costner found his wife and family amongst the Sioux and they gave him a new name; Tom Cruise found peace in honoring a fallen Samurai by loving his enemy’s family as his own; and Sam Worthington found a new body and purpose within a humanoid, tree-dwelling tribe. The point is this, without realizing it I was wired from birth to proactively participate in adoption in some way. Perhaps some of the children that come into our home may not be permanent, but for a small window of time, they are adopted into my family and I regard them as my own. They deserve that much. They indeed are left to struggle with two worlds when they visit their parents and then return to their foster family afterward. But, in the middle of the chaos, I have opportunity to enter the trenches with them and be family. I got involved in foster care, because I want to see the world become a better place. Foster care and possibly adoption, are the areas I’ve chosen in order to better the world. It is always in our power to do good, and foster/adoption is the good where I find immeasurable fulfillment.

I was eager to become a dad long before the multiple miscarriages occurred. With each searing loss, I grew more fearful fatherhood would pass me by. I’ve had many tell me that I chose to foster as a mean to make up for the loss of my babies, but I assure you that’s not true in the least. The first thing that should never be said to foster parents is the assumption that they chose to foster because they couldn’t have children of their own. Foster care does not replace my lost babies, but I am able to care for those that others have lost. This comment is so isolating, as if the only people who can and should foster are those who can’t have kids. Foster care is not some secret, exclusive, members-only club for the stout of heart, nor is it always “Plan B.” I’m not saying everyone should foster, but I do believe anyone can, or could at least help in some way.

The second thing that should never be said to foster parents is to tell them that once they get a placement they’ll finally have a successful pregnancy. How does that make any sense? This statement suggests that birthing children is the only way to have a legitimate family. It’s true that some foster parents cannot conceive, imagine how bitter this comment sounds to them. Do I find it peculiar my daughter was born once we began fostering? Yes. But, I do not think it significant or related, nor do I think her above Mint. I thank God that Mint could witness our pregnancy, her birth and her first six months. Not only was he made a son in being placed with us, but he became a brother in which he takes great pride. His placement with us did not determine my daughter’s successful birth. I’m aware that most people aren’t sure what to say or not say to a foster parent and I hope to educate as many as I can on how to better support your local foster care community. The first step in supporting foster parents is to stop making assumptions about their intentions and methods, but ask and let them tell you. I guarantee they’ll share more of their story if you simply have open ears.

I want to get the next court dates over with, but I nervously consider the testimony I must give in the presence of Mint’s parents. Trying to be wisely prepared, but not obsessive, I, along with his therapist, are to give an account of Mint’s welfare this past year. I anxiously await the closing arguments of this trial so I can see what lays in store for Mint. For now, I am glad that he wakes up more excited each day to see what adventure awaits him. And, as I sat there that morning watching Tarzan, I envisioned a new start for Mint and I. Tarzan embraced both worlds, that of the gorilla and man, yet always met resistance because of it. Then, in the end he chose the “strangers like me.” He chose to be with Jane and discovered his true potential and identity. He did not reject Kala, the gorilla mother who made possible his survival and development. I pray that, whatever the outcome of the trial, Mint can accept his journey thus far. I want him to grow into a man able to accept what life has dealt beyond his control and thus, be a man who can control himself. I believe he’s spirited enough to change his fate, if it’s not what he hoped it would be. He’s reached milestones no one could ever have expected of him this past year and I am convinced his dreams will come true, one way or the other. If I must pack all his stuff in his beloved raccoon backpack to transition him back to his original family, then I’ll do so with courage that he might find courage himself. I pray my heart would be brave enough, for I want him to be a man with a brave heart. I will find a way to put my faith in what I most believe in, two worlds, one family, trust my heart and let fate decide, to guide this life I see. But, for Mint, I end my thoughts with the words of “Son of Man,” the song we sang together while Tarzan swung in the trees.

Oh, the power to be strong

And the wisdom to be wise

All these things will come to you in time

On this journey that you’re making

There’ll be answers that you’ll seek

And it’s you who’ll climb the mountain

It’s you who’ll reach the peak

Son of man, look to the sky

Lift your spirit, set it free

Some day you’ll walk tall with pride

Son of man, a man in time you’ll be

Though there’s no one there to guide you