Frequently Asked Questions
For those of you who know me, you know I am not a social butterfly. It’s not that I don’t like people, it’s just when given the choice to go out or cuddle on the couch with a glass of wine and a movie, I will almost always choose the latter. However, having children has helped me realize how much I need other people around me for support, encouragement, advice and sometimes just a laugh.
Since starting in Foster Care we have been pretty isolated for several reasons, the main one being that we became very busy very quickly. This is our own doing and we are excited for the next year as we are hoping to branch out and get connected to the community that we are making our home.
In preparation for meeting new people, and for those who might be curious, I have compiled a list of Frequently Asked Questions that come my way often. These questions are very valid, however, because our family is blended, I had to find the most appropriate way to answer them with respect to our children, my family and the asker. Not all of these are going to be the same for all Foster Parents as everyone is different, and some of them are very specific to our family, but I would venture to say that other blended families can relate to some of these issues.
In regards to our Foster Children:
Rule of Thumb: Little ears should not be privy to Adult Conversations. If my kid is right next to me, let’s talk about it later. Kids pick up so much and they are already regularly bombarded with adults (case managers/workers/therapists) talking about them and their complicated situation. However, if we are not together, or they are out of ear shot, please feel free to ask away!
How do we refer to you and your family?
Right now you will hear Mint call us “Morgan & Patrick”. However, we regularly refer to ourself as “Mom & Dad” and he knows that means us. We will always refer to him as our “son” vs. our “foster son”, and we ask that you do the same. We don’t see him as a separate part of our family. Just because his role in our life might not be permanent, doesn’t mean we treat him like a temporary child. If you live under our roof, you’re our son/daughter and biology doesn’t have anything to do with how we treat you.
How much can we ask about your kids history?
You can ask, but please don’t be offended when I give a brief answer. I will most likely tell you nothing about our kids history unless you need to know. I will often share parts with a teacher or those who are playing an active role in our child’s life. I do this not to gossip, but to inform because trauma comes with behaviors and if you know some background, it is easier to handle those behaviors or recognize triggers. Kids in Care (or foster kids) are often treated differently because they have a “past” when really they just need to be kids, and treated like regular kids.
Can we ask how long you will have them for?
Sure! Sometimes we know how long they will stay, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we’re told, “Just a couple nights,” and it turns into adoption, sometimes you are practically guaranteed adoption and it falls through. I’ll give you my guess and my hope, either could be right or wrong. However, and this is a biggie, please don’t ask this one with little ears around!
Here is the answer for Mint: He’s not going anywhere anytime soon from what we can tell and from what we know. We hope he will stay forever. This could change tomorrow.
Can we ask when you got them?
Sure! We got Mint April 1st. I am not one for censorship, but a gentler way to ask this question is: “When did they join your family?”
What do we say if they are suddenly gone?
Once again this looks different for each family and each situation. Sometimes a kid leaves to go to a great home that the foster family supports and encourages, sometimes not. Either way, there is often a grieving period. If this happens with Mint, we will be grieving. He has imbedded his way so deep into our hearts that his leaving would be very difficult. We would make it through, by the Grace of God, but it would be tough.
Most people when going through a difficult time need support, whether that is close or from a distance. Cards, meals, hugs. Everyone is different, but ignoring it isn’t the best either. I would also suggest waiting for the family to give details. Support, give time to process and then listen when they are ready to talk.
Will we still foster after having a biological child?
Yes. We have dealt with miscarriages and infertility, but we wanted to foster/adopt long before we knew any of that was going to happen. The infertility/miscarriages changed our timeline, that’s all. We don’t think biology has much to do with being a family.
There will also be a 4 year age gap between our kids and I joke about filling that with other children, but I’m also not joking! ;) 2017 will be another busy and fun-filled year!
Are you telling Mint about the baby?
We are planning on telling him when I am about 8 months along (so here in about 2 months). He has had a lot of changes this year and a few more months that are “all about him” will help him continue to create strong bonds and trust with us, so when a new baby arrives it won’t be so jarring. Also for a three year old, three months is a lifetime, so we are also taking into consideration an age appropriate response.
Other Questions that are more fun:
When are you due?
12/14/16, which is a really cool date and I hope it’s that actual birthday because it speaks to my inner organizer.
Do you have any cravings?
Not really. Sometimes sour candy. Mainly I have a ton of food aversions and it’s hard to find anything to eat.
What is the nursery theme?
“Things Babies Need to Survive” Haha, but actually Baby Barb will sleep in our bedroom for the first few months and we will revisit the nursery later.
Can I touch your baby bump?
Unless I physically move your hand to my belly, I’d prefer not.
Is it a boy or a girl?
It's definitely one of those! We are waiting till birth to find out! Yes, it is way more exciting! No, it doesn’t freak me out because I “can’t be prepared.” I can be perfectly prepared without knowing, anyway my infant will not judge me based on how artistically curated their nursery or wardrobe is.
Do you have names picked out?
Yes and we will tell you those soon in another post, I promise!
Thanks for reading! If you have any other questions that you want to ask, shoot me a private message and I will be happy to try and answer them :) Thank you all for your continued support of our family!
