Thoughts from a Foster Dad
It’s a strange thing to describe my perspective on foster care, its even more so to divulge the nature of child welfare in Colorado. What I do know, or rather, who I know, is my son. Of all the blogs about foster care that I’ve perused, most are simply an outlet to vent about the frustrations, aggravations and horrors foster parents encounter, although I can relate with some of that, I have no desire to do that here. Rather, I’d like to provide a window into what a new dad sees in foster care and his response to a truly unnatural circumstance.
I’ve had a somewhat different engagement with my son than my wife has. Putting our genders and experience working with children aside, the main difference I think I’ve discerned in our individual experience is the child’s own history in having or not having a mom and/or dad. Experientially, he knows “mom,” he doesn’t know “dad.” From most of the cases I’ve heard about in western Colorado, its more likely for the child to have no interaction with or knowledge at all of his/her biological father. In our case, I’m the first actual “dad” our son has ever had. I didn’t expect that to be a possibility; the concept didn’t occur to me when we received him New Year’s Eve. Little did I know, I’d be one of the first men to show him love and tenderness; I’d be the first to be his father.
His progress upon arriving started out rather well. It began ok, fairly easy, fairly simple, but then the honeymoon burned off and the “fun” did too. The behaviors, as a result of the trauma we have yet to even slightly define, came forth. Then there came several weeks of feeling the most unable, unqualified and unequipped I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’d like to think I’m a fairly stable, sturdy person, able to adjust and adapt to just about anything, but becoming an instant dad to a boy who doesn’t know who or what that is…lets just say there’s a reason I was feeling what I was feeling. But that time of gloom was necessary, I would soon learn.
Discovering resources for foster dads is a disappointing search, there’s next to nothing for support for foster dads from foster dads in the same boat. Most foster dads that I’ve met didn’t seem to have the same level of involvement or investment I had, or so I guessed, so I found it unfruitful to acquire advice or exchange stories with them. I don’t judge them for that, this was just an observation I had of the dads I’ve encountered in foster care of my county. Then, everything changed for me...for my son.
At a foster parent night, a bit out of sorts and exhausted from feeling so unable to adjust, I made the decision to enjoy myself, to enjoy the process until I could figure it out. At the meeting we all played in a social experiment that was intended to help illustrate the good, bad and the ugly of child welfare. Despite the awkwardness of being a social butterfly at such events where most everyone is feeling as funky as you are, I sought out the dads who could relate with my trouble. I did meet a few, and I realized that they too, felt the exact same as me, and they were able to announce their plans for adoption for a placement kind of similar to mine. Hearing about their story, I received what I needed: a reminder as to why I signed up in the first place. Because it was so grueling and difficult, I feared I was doing everything wrong, on the contrary however, everything I had done and would continue to do, despite my conflictions, was exactly what my son needed for his little, yet big heart. He needed a father, someone of whom he was beginning to learn about.
I returned home with a fresh anointing as it were, an entirely different approach to everything. A week after that meeting, it is now a regular occurrence for him to call me “dad,” even if by accident. I’ve finally won his trust. I’ve won the right to be his dad. Regardless of this being my first parenting gig, the challenge of all this was his trauma. He was never supposed to need me to be his dad in the first place. But, here we are, him my son, me his father, for now. What existed in those dark weeks is absent now, the changes that needed to happen were not within him, but within me. Hugs, tickles, kisses, giggles, skateboard rides, endless amounts of Candyland, I get to witness a little boy have fun with his dad. With me.
As said before, it’s difficult to describe foster care and I don’t think it can be done completely, but I can describe the need of children in foster care like him: parents who are sold out. Along with good mothers, they need fathers who are willing to express love and not budge in their gestures of it, and who won’t lose heart or withhold their ability to be sensitive (things uncomfortable for most men, I know.)
Now, during breakfast when I normally quietly read my daily bible verse over espresso while he munches his cereal, he’s taken notice of what gives me strength and he asks me to read him some. Delighted about his request, I begin reading and the look on his face is priceless, the look of “my dad is reading me some good stuff.” Although I’m a Christian pastor, this is not a blog from which I desire to preach, (if you want that, go to the church’s website), however with religious and liturgical preference aside, I can’t deny the subtle change I’ve seen within him when we pray and read bible verses together. For a starter, he’s able to have encouragement and a good word to begin his day with, which might help him make excellent decisions. Since I let him decide if reading scripture and praying was ok, now he is asking the questions on his own accord, he is requesting we talk about God and life on his own initiative. These are things that his heart has cried out for since birth and I have the honor to assist in answering that cry. That is what he’s always needed from his dad. I had the divine opportunity to tell him that the God he loves to talk about is a dad Himself, namely, the Big Daddy. He certainly likes the concept of God as a Father, and I pray I can exemplify His love, so that concept would grow in his heart throughout the rest of his life. This is the reason I signed up: I wanted to be a dad.
