8 Things I Learned From My Miscarriages
Motherhood has always been a dream of mine. Since I was a little girl answering the age old question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered: A Mom. Learning how to be a good wife and take care of a home (and cook) came first. I am not against non-traditional roles for women, but I always liked the traditional roles personally, they just worked for me. My husband and I married young and decided to wait a few years before trying to have kids, so we could be a little more stable, a little wiser perhaps. At year three we decided to try. We got pregnant quickly and then I miscarried. After regrouping, getting a better doctor and taking the correct medicine to make me healthy, we tried again. It wasn't long before I was pregnant and then I miscarried again. Only through the faithfulness of God did we make it through these trying times.
Being the researcher that I am, I scoured the internet for responses to miscarriage and found a lot, but none that expressed what I actually felt. Because God had carried me through the grief, I found peace in the middle of chaos and many articles just didn't have peace.
This is not a pity-party. I wrote this article a while ago in response to my miscarriages and it's time to share what I have found. I only speak for myself, everyone has a different story. I can only hope that this might reach just one person in the middle of their dispair and give them a few moments of peace. Thanks for reading!
1. Pregnancy is Hard
I have been pregnant twice and although I’ve only experienced the first trimester both times, I can definitely understand the struggles. You have zero energy, your chest is sore and your hormones are keeping you angry and crying for most of the day. You are bloated and constipated because of the horse-pill vitamins and you have to pee every 20 minutes. On top of that, during my second pregnancy, I was also struggling with fear that something bad would happen. I can’t attest to the second or third trimester, but I can say that the first 12 weeks are unpleasant.
2. Find an Appropriate Place for Complaints
During my pregnancies I let my frustrations be know but only to people who were very close and understood that even though I was venting, I was elated to be pregnant and was not taking it for granted. I didn’t want to complain on social media because I had been on the receiving end of hearing pregnancy complaints while I was dealing with infertility. I knew it was important for me to express and process my feelings, but I tried to find a safe environment in which to do that, thereby protecting others from my passing negative thoughts and reminding myself that pregnancy was a miracle and a blessing.
3. The challenges of pregnancy and parenthood should not be compared to the challenges of pregnancy loss
Yes, pregnancy is hard, yes parenting is hard, but nothing compares to forever carrying in your heart a family that could have been. Even when the grief and the sadness pass, you always, ALWAYS miss your children, no matter how far along you were. In my case, I am a mom of two kids that I don’t get to hold or tell them I love them or make memories with. Carrying lost moments like those in your heart is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. So be gentle to the mom’s who only hold their children in their hearts, it’s not an easy road to walk.
4. Don’t suffer alone
So many “pregnancy experts” tell you to keep a pregnancy secret until after 12 weeks, you know, just in case something happens. That way you can suffer alone, in silence, while the world wonders why your sad and “sick.” Hopefully you pick up my sarcasm there. I passed both my miscarriages naturally, aka: screaming in my bathroom and nearly passing out from blood loss. However, whether you pass them naturally or through a D&C (surgery), it is hard on your body. The first one led me though 8 hours of labor (yes, labor) and the second one was only 3 hours. I was out of it for DAYS!! I didn’t do laundry, I didn’t cook and I definitely didn’t clean. My husband was amazing and picked up most of the slack, but I had other family and friends who were ready to help if I needed them. Emotionally, it also helped me process and grieve. I was able to be open and honest with those around me which made me feel better and was my way of reducing the taboo of pregnancy loss.
5. God doesn’t cause miscarriage to happen, but He always brings some form of redemption
It would have been easy to blame God for my miscarriages or infertility, but when looking at the unfair world around me, I realized that pregnancy loss is just another injustice in a world full of tragedies. However, I held on to the promises of God and remembered this verse in His word, “Every good and perfect gift comes from above.” (James 1:17) God has always put a very thick silver lining around each storm cloud that has come into my life and the miscarriages were no different. I have grown in so many ways. I have a completely different perspective than before and that has led me to a better understanding of myself, my purpose and the world around me. Everyone has tragedy touch them in some way, the key to lasting joy is focusing on the silver lining and not letting the rain take over your life.
6. Grief is a valley you can either camp in or pass through, choose the latter
Processing the sadness that you are feeling is so vital, but there is a difference between dealing with it and dwelling in it. If you think of grief as a valley it is easier to understand. Getting down into the valley is easy, it’s always easier going downhill. Once you are in the valley there are good days and bad days and it can be easy to pitch a tent and live in the misery. But this valley should just be a transition, not a destination. Keep moving forward, keep talking, keep crying until you push your way back up out of the valley onto the other side where there is peace. There is nothing wrong with going through the valley of grief, just don’t stay there.
7. I will always miss my babies and thats ok
Missing the ones you love is not grief, it’s natural. Loving people, regardless of whether they are with us or not, is what makes us human. Don’t confuse love and remembrance with grief, and vise versa, don’t confuse grief with love and remembrance. I have thoughts throughout my days about my children, and although I miss them, I don’t fall into waves of sadness. This is how I know that I’m not overwhelmed with grief, I just miss them.
8. Celebrate what you have, when you have it
The second time we got pregnant I was immediately terrified. I am not often scared, but I was beyond myself. I entertained the ideas that I shouldn’t tell anyone and shouldn’t connect with my pregnancy because I might get hurt. I finally realized that no matter what I did, if something bad happened, it was going to hurt. So I jumped in with both feet and when I found out that the pregnancy wasn’t viable, it hurt. It hurt a lot, but I didn’t regret getting emotionally involved. Because I had told my close friends and co-workers, I was able to share this part of my life with them. They were then able to express their love and care for me, and I needed that. I had also been able to tell them I was pregnant before the bad news came and I will always treasure the moments that followed delivering the good news! Hugging, laughing, imagining, planning. I didn’t get to experience those moments for very long, but I am sure glad I had them for a little while. I finally embraced living in the moment and learned to celebrate what I have, when I have it, because who knows how long it will last. I feel this applies to all of life, not just early pregnancy announcements. Love you spouse, enjoy your kids, open the nice bottle of wine on a Tuesday because your ALIVE!!! Celebrate the little things and the big things, make as many good memories as you can because they are the best medicine against the bad ones!
Thank you so much for reading.
Sincerely,
Morgan
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